


what should’ve been (& what was); s p e c t r e s .

by stardustgirl



Series: what should’ve been (& what was) [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Amnesia, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blind Ezra Bridger, Complete, Dark, Dark!Kanan, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, F/M, Gen, Happy AU, Hurt Ezra Bridger, Hurt No Comfort, Inquisitor!Ahsoka, That’s a Lie, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Duchess - Freeform, Very very dark, dark au, happiness?, heavy heavy angst, no one is happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-07 04:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16846858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl
Summary: Essentially, my friend gave me a list of Happy![insert character here] AU prompts, which I then...angstified.  Here’s the first part (only Spectre Cell), and I promise they get both better and worse (in terms of angst mainly) as they go.So have fun.(And keep in mind each chapter is its own AU and, for the most part, none overlap.)I’m also likely making some of these an actual oneshot on their own, so let me know which sentences are your favorite!





	1. s p e c t r e    s i x .

**Author's Note:**

> The parts in bold were written by my AO3-less friend (tweaked slightly by me in some cases), and the non-bold parts were written by me.

**Ezra’s parents don’t actually die;** they become something akin to Senator Trayvis (after all, they were something akin to him in the first place).

 **Ezra ends up with Sabine;** but she doesn’t remain on Krownest because of this and thus Clan Wren isn’t able to get as far with their rescue attempts on Alrich, causing his death (Sabine can’t shake the feeling that she caused it).

 **Ezra doesn’t go to the Dark Side as much and also doesn’t trust Maul half as much;** instead it’s Kanan (he knows Billaba would be disappointed by him but it’s like a drug; once he starts it’s hard to stop).

 **Kanan isn’t blinded or is blinded under different circumstances;** instead, Ezra’s blinded because he was there and was able to jump in front of Kanan when it happened (neither of them claims to blame the other, but Kanan knows it should’ve been him and Ezra knows it shouldn’t have _had_ to be him, but neither acknowledges it out loud).

 **Ahsoka returns sooner and communicates with them during her time...where ever she actually was;** but the Empire is able to find her and soon, Fulcrum disappears without a trace once again (the Empire gains a new Inquisitor).

 **Ezra’s excursion with Thrawn and the Purgill ends up being a great time galavanting through the galaxy;** and the entire time, Ezra is wracked with survivor’s guilt about Kanan (it should’ve been him).


	2. s p e c t r e    f i v e .

**The making of the Duchess goes drastically different, and Sabine’s not the one most responsible;** Tristan is.

 **She and Ketsu escape, then split up on reasonably good terms;** she finds out later that Ketsu was killed shortly after (she doesn’t know how to feel; hollow is a new emotion to her, and she doesn’t know how to deal with it).

 **The Ghost crew helps Sabine cope with the regret from her smaller part in the Duchess’ creation;** but regret doesn't stop them from treating her with suspicion (she knows Hera’s blaster is always charged and Kanan’s ‘saber is only ever split apart now when they’re on a mission).

 **Also, along the way she helps Wedge Antilles desert;** only for Hobbie to be killed alongside Rake and several of the rebel ships in the process (hollow isn’t a new feeling anymore).

 **She goes back to Mandalore and tells the real story, is forgiven, and destroys the Duchess before it can be used;** with the truth out, Tristan is imprisoned by the new leadership under the Mand'alor (after all, siblings can only do so much to stop a band of determined revolutionaries; the Saxons learned that well enough).

 **Alrich is rescued, and peace is restored (somewhat, because Mandalore’s never truly peaceful);** she gets a comm six months later; over half of the few remaining members of her clan were killed in a brutal last stand by one of the remaining Imperial holdouts (Ursa and Alrich among them; she knows what _empty_ and _emotionless_ mean now).

 **She meets up with Ahsoka shortly after Ezra’s disappearance;** they have no leads to go on, nothing at all according to Ahsoka (the Togruta says his Force signature is gone because she's worried of telling her the truth).

 **Ahsoka searches for Ezra solo for a while, while Sabine’s busy helping both Lothal and the Rebel Alliance;** Lothal is targeted by the Death Star shortly after Scarif (she barely escapes and is shocked to find nobody notices one of the Outer Rim planets is gone, though no one noticed it was there to begin with).

 **She marries the aforementioned Imperial deserter;** Wedge is killed after evacuating Hoth (she's told he was captured in the fight and later publicly executed on the 'Net after the interrogations, but when was the last time she watched the 'Net? she knows she certainly didn't after hearing of Alderaan); she doesn't find out until after Endor, the guilt from their last fight hitting her head-on as she wishes she searched for him instead of believing he'd just found a way to leave both the cause and her behind (who wouldn't, she thinks ruefully, after being told that they weren't worth the panic attacks and flashbacks and trauma and torture she'd endured to get them out of the Empire?).

 **She and Ahsoka team up post-Galactic Civil War and find Ezra swiftly;** despite what she says, Ahsoka is still wary of trusting a Mandalorian after the Siege of Mandalore, and Ezra...Ezra's not the same person he was before, not by a long shot (how can he be when the only thing he remembers is waking up in the crash site? and the worst part is is that she has a feeling Ahsoka _knew,_ and it hurts).


	3. s p e c t r e    f o u r .

**The “massacre” of Lasan goes...differently;** it's utter chaos and madness and he can't help but watch as his best friend is murdered before his eyes, he can't help but watch as they capture his cousin, he can't help but watch as their king falls, he can't help but watch--

**Zeb and the rest of the Honor Guard manage to get most of the Lasat off-world before the Empire arrives; "** most" meaning those able to make it to the lucky shuttles that  _ weren't _ destroyed as ground forces arrived and orbital bombardment continued (not his sisters).

**He’s captured by the Empire in hopes they can get the location of the Lasat out of him;** and as much as he screams that he  _ doesn't know _ because he wasn't  _ on those kriffing shuttles, _ they don't care.

**After a daring prison break, he meets up with two strangers who are trying to break into the prison to free a friend;** he doesn't bother checking the database for his cousin and his friends (everyone knows where Kessel is and what happens to those sent there).

**And thus he joins the crew of the Ghost, since he knows he can’t go back yet for fear of leading the Empire to his people;** and it's tearing him apart because  _ maybe, _ just  _ maybe _ he was wrong and they  _ are _ all still alive (he needs to stop himself from hoping).

**He’s not quite sure about Ezra at first, but he warms up to him before long;** the boy reminds him of someone he knew a long time ago (someone he watched die  _ before _ all the fighting, die from darkfever only a few moons before the invasion, and he doesn't know for sure but maybe he's hoping that he can save this kit, even if he couldn't save the other one).

**He’s at home, guarding and protecting the “kits;”** but he can't protect even them forever (the Empire always comes, just in different forms, and he's already hating himself for not teaching the kits that already but he can't bring himself to show them the futility of it all because look where he's ended up).

**Sabine and Ezra hate it when he calls them that; Hera’s own kit, Jacen, the last addition to the crew, doesn’t mind until he’s five, maybe six (Zeb's always been fuzzy on human ages); then he gives “Uncle Zeb” a complete lecture on how he’s too old for babyish nicknames like that;** but ironically, Jacen's the one who's most reminiscent of the kits on Lasan (so if Sabine occasionally accuses him of avoiding the kit, maybe she's not that far off).

**And of course he befriends Kallus and all that, and shows his new friend that there’s still way more Lasat than the Empire even thought got off-world;** deep down he knows Kallus  _ still _ won't ever get over the guilt because he sure hasn't and he was  _ defending _ his homeworld, not  _ attacking _  an innocent one.

**Afterwards, he spends his time alternating between visiting his family on Lothal, and his blood relatives on Lira San;** and when some of the older, more traditional Lasat accuse him of having stronger ties to outsiders...he doesn't tell them that they're wrong (because, out of all the beings out there, the crew of the  _ Ghost _ were the only ones who continued to find him every time something went wrong).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one didn’t turn out as angsty as the others, more bittersweet, but it’s a break before the last three because they’re BRUTAL :)))


	4. s p e c t r e    t h r e e .

**Chopper befriends Hera and Cham;** they’re sad, and he doesn’t yet know enough of organics to know why (his Jedi told him that getting sad wasn’t something Jedi did but the lie was easy to see, even for someone with one optic), but what he does know is that the woman in the paintings he sees and the one who has a cube on the kalikori (that’s what the girl calls it, when he asks about the blank cube and she explains whose it is, and it’s not hers) aren’t there, and that maybe that’s why he finds them both crying alone without cause sometimes and why the father shouts so much.

 **He then leaves with Hera;** her father shouted particularly loudly that time and that was _it,_ she had had _enough_ (and frankly, he had had enough of the threats to scrap him, too) and though she said she didn’t regret it, he knew better (he saw her crying more than once, in the early days).

 **A few happy months of solo missions;** just the two of them, out there in the galaxy (he now knows the Jedi are all gone, but his was already so he’s not sure why this makes him...feel).

 **He isn’t sure about more crew members at first, but then he discovers he’s allowed to shock them whenever he wants;** the Jedi reminds him of his pilot and the girl reminds him of the people who attacked the Destroyer he and his Jedi were stationed on for a time (they made it out; the rest of their battalion didn’t).

 **Goes on important undercover missions;** being painted is nothing new; his former pilot had done that often enough for infiltrations (he’s still painted from their last one; the kid didn’t have time to wash him before they were called to Ryloth and shot down, and that was the end of it).

 **He’s actually appreciated, thanked, even doted on from time to time;** his Jedi did the same (before he died).

 **He befriends AP-5;** the other droid understands what he really means when he complains about Hera asking him how he’s doing (droids aren’t supposed to answer that, to be asked that, they’re empty empty empty, which doesn’t explain why he tries to avoid the topic of Jedi).

 **He doesn’t get caught by the Empire;** he’s been doing infiltrations since his fifth year activated after his first wipe, it’s second nature by now (he still worries Hera will accidentally wipe his memory while wiping base coordinates like Cham started to, because even the half-memories he still keeps are better than nothing, and if the half-recording he has of his Jedi’s voice was taken he’s not sure what he’d do—nothing, he knows, because he wouldn’t remember anything was supposed to be there in the first place).

 **He assists Hera in coping with the aftermath of her capture, Kanan’s death, and Ezra’s disappearance;** and for once, he’s vastly underqualified for the job, but shuttling messages to and from rebel officers once back on Yavin _is_  something he understands, just as he understood to help Ezra leave (he still isn’t sure Sabine and Hera have forgiven him, because organics lie easier than his wheels turn, because they’re getting stuck every few weeks now instead of every few months, and Hera can’t do a thing and he knows it).

 **He helps raise Jacen, who becomes his partner-in-crime, a friend the likes of which he hadn’t had since the early days with young, carefree Hera;** Jacen doesn’t understand what it means when Chopper says he’s supposed to be empty, but that’s okay (and the fact that his wheels and engine stall and he has to restart more and more often to the point where it’s happening several times a day is okay, too, because he’s already outlasted his Jedi, and Hera’s Jedi, and he doesn’t want to outlast her and Jacen too; he’s tired).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was a lot sadder than it had any right to be


	5. s p e c t r e    t w o .

**Hera’s mom doesn’t die;** Cham does (he's just in the wrong place at the wrong time when the bomb hits, or at least that's how the man in the funny-looking painted armor explains it when he knocks on their door, offering his condolences and staring uncomfortably at the ground).

 **Chopper’s still her best friend though;**  (he would have to be, otherwise they would've scrapped him months ago, and though he knows it, he's not sure the young Twi'lek girl does).

 **She leaves Ryloth on slightly better terms;** she doesn't see the tears shed behind or hear the whispered prayers (once a daughter of Ryloth leaves, she rarely returns, especially if she's idealistic and naive, and Hera Syndulla is as idealistic and naive as they come).

 **She marries Kanan shortly after Gorse;** he's hiding something, she's not entirely sure what, but it makes her nervous (she has Chop run a background check and he comes up with only the bare minimum, which assuages her fears slightly, but she loves him, and she's pretty sure it's mutual).

 **Zeb, Sabine, and Ezra join the crew;** (the girl doesn't tell her why they found her bleeding out on the street for a few years, and the Lasat has reservations about his past too—but the boy is such an open book sometimes...sometimes she wonders).

 **She’s content to fly around in her own ship, doing what she can to defeat the Empire;** she knows working more with Fulcrum and the other cells could trigger Kanan, so she doesn't (that doesn't mean that her heart aches every time she hears the call for reinforcements over Fulcrum's locked channel, wishing she could answer but knowing that if she did, she would have to explain herself and risk losing the fragile home she's built all over again).

 **No one dies or is severely injured on Malachor;** but she can see the change in them (Kanan doesn't interact with them often, waking before they all do and heading to bed hours later, and he doesn't come to her room as much anymore), and Ezra's guilt is obvious to anyone, even the Force-less (he stays in his room most of the time, and when he isn't locked away he's throwing himself into missions; Sabine said his kata was becoming more intense each day); Chopper's absence doesn't help at all (she tells herself she shouldn't cry, it's just a _droid,_ but his absence becomes glaringly apparent every time she turns to ask him to take over piloting; she knows that, as much as Ezra claimed to hate him, most of his guilt stems from that, and she wants to tell him that she doesn't blame him, not in the slightest, but Hera's already lied _so much)._

 **She’s able to help the rest of the crew through their difficulties;** when Sabine confides the true nature of her time at the Academy, Hera promises to help (she knows she can't, but she's there when Sabine returns from Dathomir, trembling and holding back sobs as she hands what looks like the hilt of a lightsaber to Kanan and makes him promise to get rid of it; Hera knows he won't and her heart aches for the girl further).

 **Kanan, along with her mom, supports her through her own, helps her help Ryloth;** but neither of them are there when she meets Thrawn, none of them understand the threat he poses to their just-barely-routine way of life, none of them can help her through the nightmares she begins having (first, it's just her father dead, and then it's the rest of them, Kanan and Ezra run through with their 'sabers and there's nothing she can do).

 **Kanan and Ezra both survive, and stay with the Rebellion;** Kanan still harbors a small degree of resentment toward the fact that she lied about the Rebellion (he understands that she only stayed out of it as long as she did for his sake), and Ezra's still in shock about the events over Capital City and in the World Between Worlds (she suspects Kanan's the only one who can help him through that, but even he seems at a loss; she gets a good idea of what happened though when Ezra returns from both the Destroyer and the remnants of the Temple, trembling, and hugs both of them tightly and whispers, "I will never let him get to you;" she knows he won't be able to keep that promise forever and her heart aches for it even as she gives the same false promise in return).

 **Shortly post-Scarif, Jacen is born, and the family is complete;** Kanan urges her to leave the fight to raise their child (he knows she won't though, and joins her once again; she hates herself once more for dragging all of them into this).

 **Sabine keeps Jacen on Lothal during the worst of the fighting;** something in her crumbles when Sabine excitedly comms Hera (without holovid; they're about to go into radio silence anyway in order to evade the Destroyer's technicians as they leave Hoth) and she hears her son utter his first word—"Mama?" (it's aimed at Sabine; as much as the girl tries to hide it and Hera tries not to let it get to her, she's still able to tell and it still hurts that she's not there for him when she should be).

 **Hera keeps working, as much as she can, though Sabine occasionally forces her and Kanan both to take a break, to come home;** on their first return to Ezra's homeworld, Jacen is nearly three, and Kanan's silent look of worry upon first sighting their child tells her all she needs to know ("Jedi or not, Empire or not, those the Force chooses to touch will never have it easy," he murmurs to her later that night; "I know," she says in response).

 **Kanan and Ezra taking turns helping the young Skywalker boy with his training;** she sees so much of both Ezra and Kanan in him and wonders if he'll have the same trials they faced (she knows, though she won't let herself acknowledge it, that of course he will; it's his path thanks to the Force).

 **Immediately after Endor, they go back to Lothal, and live happily ever after;** and it's not that she doesn't believe in the Force anymore, because she does, it's that she doesn't think it's a benevolent entity anymore (not after Luke comes to offer Jacen a place in his Academy, not after he accepts, not after they get the news about the Academy burning, not after she and Kanan glance out the window of the comms tower in the dead of night to see a shuttle landing and several dark figures emerging, not after she feels deep in the marrow of her bones more than hears Kanan's sharp intake of breath—“that's him, that- that's both of them"—as the figures get closer, not after their leader's second-in-command slaughters Kanan in a brilliant display of crimson and sparks, not after the very same one throws his hood off and removes his helmet and she screams, not after she sees the flicker of hesitation in those very same eyes before a steel voice—“do it"—that she heard so often working with the Republic's leaders solidifies his resolve, not after he strikes).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys but I’m honestly not sure if this one or the next is the worst one  
> \\(.-.)/


	6. s p e c t r e    o n e .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance I cried writing this too though if that’s any condolence....

**He and Depa both survive Order 66;** Styles finds them soon enough.

 **She tells him to run; she thinks he has a chance of not being recognized as a Jedi;** he runs, her scream painting the landscape of his nightmares every time his eyes begin to drift closed (this is why he's afraid of silence and of spending the night alone).

 **He smuggles for a while with Janus Kasmir, gets a few decent jobs before Gorse;** he tells himself (repeatedly) that he's not responsible for the Order's death, for Depa's death, but he knows he's responsible for the clones' (he tells himself they're not brothers anymore, but he knows they may as well be because the pain of their betrayal is still as raw as the last time he saw Grey before he shot him through the head) deaths, and he _knows_ he's responsible for Janus's because the man wouldn't have been anywhere near the Mid Rim without him.

 **Kanan and Hera acknowledge their feelings for each other a lot earlier and get married;** he knows she'll leave soon enough anyway (they all do).

 **They begin taking on crew;** the addition of the Mandalorian makes him uneasy, and the boy is a different matter entirely (even with Hera beside him, the nightmares return, but this time it's the boy screaming, too).

 **Their jobs are mostly successful;** he stopped counting Imperial casualties years before he met Hera.

 **The Inquisitors are defeated swiftly, with Depa assisting from time to time along with Ahsoka;** she's alive with him again, she's there with him again, she's training with him again--she's dying with him again, and he wants to scream at Ahsoka for not coming sooner and blocking Seven's blade faster (he tries to tell himself it's her fault, not his, even though she wasn't there the whole time and he was, because he knows if he falls back into who he was before he might not come back this time), but Ezra's watching and he can feel the _fear_ rolling off of the boy in waves, the _fear_ that Kanan might disappear just like his parents did, just like the Order did, just like Depa did (and he can't tell the boy he never had parents to begin with because that would only push them both further to the brink Kanan's been teetering on his whole life since Caleb died that night), and he doesn't want the boy to worry more than he already does so often (the Empire won't provide meds for dissidents and they both know that; they've both already tried), so it's back to screaming inside his head with a million versions of Depa and Ezra's screams alike accompanying his own voice.

 **He gets through Malachor with his sight, and Ahsoka doesn’t disappear;** the boy isn't so lucky, and he's cursing the Force and Maul and the Inquisitors and Vader and Ahsoka and even _himself_ (if he had been a second earlier, he could've saved him), and he wants to tell Hera he's _sorry_ about their kid, but Ahsoka's pushing the rest of them onto the next battle for the cause (and he and Ezra are left like boulders in a stream, static as everything moves around them but still falling apart if only the rest of them could see that, and for the hundredth time he wishes Command would authorize a mission to get some kriffing _meds_ for the kid because he's only gotten worse since Malachor and the aftermath of the "accident" isn't helping at all either, but he's once again Caleb Dume, a too-young Padawan asking too many questions who hasn't yet learned that there's loss in the world and that it never goes away).

 **He survives the events of Jedi Night;** and again, the boy doesn't (this is where he falls apart completely, this is where he decides to take on Thrawn on his own, this is where he returns to Lothal years later to find a melted hilt and an intact crystal that he pockets, wishing he had been strong enough to hold back the wall of flames on his own, wishing he hadn't been so weak as to need the sacrifice of his Padawan to get the rest of their family to safety).

 **He and Hera raise Jacen together, settle down after the end of the war, nearby the rest of their family;** Sabine's not all right at all (he sees through her lies of "I'm fine" to Hera because he's still saying them himself), but there's always been a disconnect between them so he can't ask; Zeb's ears are flattened more than they're upright these days but the Lasat's never been one to talk much to anyone besides Kallus (and the boy, the _boy,_ his shining light of a Padawan who was a brother to Zeb just as much as he was an annoyance, but he was possibly the only person Zeb would talk to before Kallus's defection anyway); Chop's wheels keep sticking and Hera's getting more and more frustrated by it (she bans Jacen from begging for rides but the old droid keeps giving them when she's not around and she knows that, and she also knows she can't stop the droid from continuing to help her fly and she can't put his memory chip in another model despite how much she wants to because she _can't lose him too_ because of how much he's protested it); Jacen can't understand why his father sometimes breaks down while they're training (he doesn't know how to explain just how much Jacen reminds him of Ezra, especially when he calls him "Master;" Hera's always been the more eloquent of the two and he's sure she's explained it by now anyway); Hera's quieter now (she spends more and more time on the _Ghost,_ alone, and he sometimes worries she'll up and fly away, leaving him and Jacen unless she takes their kid with her one day because they all do); he's not sure he's sane anymore (actually, he _knows,_ he isn't, because who else sees three or more Force ghosts every time they open their eyes?) but he _is_ sure that he now understands what Rex meant when he said they were relics (because relics don't die, they don't get destroyed, they _remain,_ even while everything else crumbles down around them), and he knows how hard those are to repair, sees it when Rex returns to the ship from Endor with a gaping hole in his side that he's sure they both already know the medics can't fix (he was so sure clones didn't have the Force but now he's not so sure because he's sure he sees a white-haired, gruff old Captain out of the corner of his eye the day after they defeat the second Death Star), and sometimes he wonders if some relics just have to live on forever (he gets his answer when Kenobi's grandchild finds him, says "your son Jacen sent me" and after he asks about Luke—"he died saving us, and so did Jacen"—and he learns that he's the last one out of all of them, and he feels nothing as the shuttle lands and a dark-haired man with hate and confusion and fear rolling off of him exits, feels nothing as he drops his 'saber without being asked, feels nothing as the fiery, broken blade enters his heart, feels nothing because Ezra would've known what to say to heal the broken man who did this, but Ezra's the empath and Kanan...Kanan's just a relic, and you can't fix those once they're broken—he was broken before both of these wars and it was only a matter of time anyway until he shattered).


End file.
